As I advance into my late twenties, I realize that the landscape of my character is changing and I am no longer the person I was in my early to mid-twenties. As a matter of fact, I am not the person I was at the beginning of this year. Certain things that I would normally overlook are getting harder to ignore, and my purposefulness and candor might be causing friction with those persons who I believed I could be myself with more than anybody else. Nonetheless as the smoke has finally begun to clear, I realize now more than ever who is truly there for me.
Things have definitely changed. I find myself being less of a social butterfly and more of a homebody, domesticated and content. Suddenly I am no longer as accessible and on call to the world as I previously was. I am no longer calling as often as I (never really ever) used to, swapping stories isn’t as much fun, and I think twice before accepting an invite to join anyone to hang. It’s almost like that dependable familiarity of being a social butterfly has slowly started to fade away, and I am left to wonder who’s really to blame? Myself? Evolution? God? Should I expect that as I grow up I will also grow apart from my social network?
I learned a long time ago the only thing that is constant… is change. With change comes unfamiliarity. But I am learning to embrace this new chapter in life! As I reflect on this shift into adulthood and the onset of motherhood, I see myself turning and going inward for answers. I am venturing down the hallways and corridors of my life to settle up with some old ghosts and ward off any new ones trying to become squatters. This is private time. A time for me to be with me, and look for the answers within. I probably should have done this more often in life, but I am realizing that there is no time like the present to hang out with oneself. As I go inward I realize how beautiful the landscaping really is inside of this aging cavern, and remarkably I am not as empty and hallow as I once thought I was. My inside upholstery is sewn together with saving grace. My interior is furnished with spiritual growth. My walls are decorated with prayer and praises, and the baseboards and top boarders are covered in scripture. My whole insides smell like Christmas time oozing through my pores. I thought inside of me would be like a mysterious cavern, but instead I have entered into a cave of wonders, right here in my own body! Light shines abundantly from an obscure light source and illuminates every corner. It’s more beautiful than I ever could imagine. It’s actually very comfy inside self. And to my surprise, deep within my cavernous walls, surprise awaits at every turn.
Just when I had gotten comfortable with myself, my insides began to shift and move, like a puzzle. You see things get rearranged automatically inside of you and space was being created. Now if you have ever done rearrangement of your house or room it’s quite complex like a puzzle how to get things in just the right spot! Sometimes things must be thrown out in order to make room for something new that you haven’t yet acquired. It was in this rearrangement that I encountered a companion who doesn’t mind the long narrow corridors and blurred visions from candid moments with friends and family playing like an endless movie reel up above. In fact, I think he is rather amused at it all. I am grateful for his company and even if it is only for a short while, I am appreciative and know I am not dependent on his company since I spent so much time with self. But there are those private moments that I don’t want to share with him… and somehow my pride bends and I let him in. There’s something romantic about sharing private past memories with someone you love. And usually it’s in those often painful private moments; he steps in and comforts me. He and I both know, I can face the ghosts and cobwebs of my past myself, but it’s nice to have someone come in your life that you can team up with!
Each day I am greeted with butterflies, tumbles, bounces, and stretches from a growing little angel inside my womb. Every day I fall a little more in love with this foreign object I cannot see, hear, smell, or taste. But yet when my hand goes towards by belly, I am comforted to know that this little person inside of me is reaching out to touch my hand back. Perhaps she is wondering what the racket is going on outside of her little comforted world. I don’t know what she is thinking, but I am totally aware of her presence. I am extremely blessed & humbled by this blessing from God. I know that my source of happiness is deeply rooted from within. I love the woman I am becoming and that is all that matters. I’m growing and glowing every day because my own source of power is strengthened by love, and God is love. I’m learning that less association doesn’t necessarily mean disassociation. My own family unit is expanding to include new members. And as my journey takes a slight curve in another direction, I look forward and ahead knowing those who love and support me will always be there in one capacity or another. And for those who are foes will fall by the wayside.