Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Dancing in the Darkness

Darkness existed before there was light. Light was birthed from darkness, so if darkness is the birthplace of light… out of darkness we too were created and yet we must return to darkness’s arms because each day new mercies we receive! Each day we are reborn symbolically. Take a look around at night, everything you see in the day is still present. But it is only with light can you begin to appreciate its awesome splendor, its grandeur.

John 1:5 says “The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.”

For a long time I never understand the darkness, or its dark purpose. In my opinion darkness was unkind. Darkness meant death, despair, and unforgiveness, sadness, and insomnia… but until recently, I have never spent any real time with darkness. But under duress, I have had a chance to spend some quality time with darkness, and I come to love her unyielding ability to cloak the universe in her stillness. I have only just begun to understand her presence, and even after eons of following the daylight, darkness is yet still understood.

Let me make this clearer. Being in the sunlight burns, we all know that. Being exposed is uncomfortable. The heat (pressure) is often what breaks people down. You have to take moments of sunlight with the moments of total darkness in order to recharge. Now I am not writing this note to convince you to see darkness as anything more but darkness… but I am going to share why I think darkness exists. Darkness is the birthplace of a life more abundantly.

Take a moment and venture outside at night and look around, flowers bloom under the moon and not the sun. Grass grows on cool nights filled with the day’s leftover dew drops. The new day starts and ends at midnight so that we have spent a good 5-6 hours in darkness before we even see the dawn of light. Without darkness we could not appreciate the light. Without darkness, light would destroy everything, and it is because of those dark moments we grow! Only in the darkness can you appreciate how beautiful darkness really is. That even on the blackest of nights, the stars still shine and the moon is always full. There is always hope and the will to press on because it is during that darkest hour the strength to live, survive, and the will to keep going takes over.

Yes, even in the darkest of moments we are growing. Night time is a time to recharge, to dream, to think, to pray, to spend time with ourselves, our thoughts, and our feelings. It is in nighttime we confront our fears or succumb to them. It is in night we rebuild ourselves to prepare for the day. And it is in those dark moments that we often wish for a light of some sort, but we are never really in total darkness. No, there is no blackout with God and his grace, because even when there’s no electricity, there is the moon and the stars proving that even in the darkest moments God is still present. Only in darkness can we reach our full potential.

When I was a little girl, I used to want so bad to reach for the stars and bring one home. I was around eight years old and I spent a whole day and night crying one summer evening that it wasn’t fair I couldn’t reach the stars. The next day my brother bought a pack of glow in the dark stars and helped me put up a solar system of stars up on my small ceiling so that I had the whole universe within my grasp. I’ll never forget that moment. But more importantly, he told me in order to make them glow, I had to keep my light on and let them absorb the light so at night when it was dark they would glow.

So as the universe is ever changing so are we! When periods of darkness come into our life we shouldn't get depressed, upset or angry. In order to live life we must go through some good days, some bad days, some rainy days, some sunshine, some long days, and some dark nights. But while it is a time of abundance and sunshine absorb all the light you can that makes you into the men and women you are destined to be, and I guarantee you, during periods of total darkness, you will shine just like that pack of glow stars on my bedroom ceiling. There are those who will try and steal your light or make you feel bad about yourself. There will be situations that force you to re-evaluate those in your life and situations that may force you into the darkness. But always remember, darkness creates light, so shine on ladies and gents.

I am a child of Dusk and Dawn, the children of Light and Darkness when they sky becomes shades of reds, yellows, oranges, purples, blues, grays, and the sun and the moon trade places, I become alive, for I have learned to Dance in the Darkness.

Roxxci <3

Get A Leg Up this Season with New Trends for Tights...

Looking For Fall Trends in Tights, Hoisery, and Stockings?

1. Prints and Textured Tights add fun and flair to any outfit
2. Mix and Match solid colored tights as accent color(s) to any fall/winter outfit
3. Experiment with prints and BOLD colors especially winter whites and neutrals
4. Two Tone hosiery is IN this season. Pair with your favorite Mary Janes for a bold look this Fall.
5. Colorblocking is a huge trend this fall, don't be afraid to expand it up your leg!

Monday, September 12, 2011

Fall's Best Accessory: The Little Black Blazer

The 3/4 length-sleeve black blazer is a Fall must have for fashionistas everywhere! From the Boardroom to Happy Hour the blazer is a versatile enough to keep you warm on cool nights while keeping your outfit hot. Check out Express’s new twist on the classic black blazer for only $39.99! I usually don't step out without a blazer and a tote as my classic Fall accessory!

Fabulous Nail Designs

A wardrobe isn't complete without a fancy nail design to complete the look! If you are located in the DC, MD, VA area: also known as the DMV, check out Celestial Nails designs by Celeste. She does a fabulous job on all her nail designs (and is my personal nail tech)!

Fall Into Shoes

So a bunch of people were asking me about my fall shoe craze and what kinds of trends are in for this fall. Here is just a sneak peak at some of the shoes I will be rocking this fall.. Today I actually wore the Black Mary Jane's with the bow and I ABSOLUTELY ADORE THEM! They are so comfy.

Fall 2011 Trends:
Chunky Heels
Darker Tans/Nudes
Bows & Ribbons
Patent Leather
Patterns and Prints

3 years... Some Kinks and Curls Later

Good and Bad Hair:

The Good. My hair care journey has taken me from every “black labeled” isle of Target, Walmart, to the dark recesses of Beauty Supply stores across the DMV, NYC, and GA looking for hair care products. Three years later after my so-so big chop, my hair care journey has taken me to various lengths literally. I started off in October of 2008 with my cute short curls and became a product junkie. I was obsessed with Carol’s Daughter’s products and I still am to a point. As my cute coif began to grow into the awkward stage of various lengths, shapes, curl patterns I like to call “nothingness” I was a weave and wig girl for life! I had long hair, straight hair, silky smooth hair, you name it. I dyed it, fried it, covered it but somehow managed to get through it. And just like my hair, my relationships went through almost the same process. I just couldn’t any longer accept the status-quo (relaxers). Three years of growing out my hair = three years of embracing singleness.

During that time, I learned to love me for me, hair kinks and all. I ran into a few guys who prefer it straight, simply to just mess it up with their hands… but most like it curly! Unruly like myself! I am not a rebel perse, I just do things my way. But back to the hair at hand. I had fun with it, and still do. I LOVE my curls, and even now, I find myself enjoying their thickness. I love to be able to just let my hair float in water, soak up conditioner, and change from straight to curl with water. I love rainy days because I finally can walk in the rain and not worry about my hair. I like being different. I like being a trendsetter. I love embracing my own quirkiness (Lord knows I have a lot of it), but most importantly, I love being me!

The Bad. A lot of women think that by going natural it’s easy or cheaper. Heck no! It’s hella hard! Trust me! I go through conditioner like soap. I’m buying $10 bottles weekly! Yeah this regimen is expensive. I am deep conditioning twice a month, because I have color in my hair and therefore my ends stay dry. I am constantly looking for products to add moisture to my hair sans spraying water on it! Do you know how many bobby pins, curling irons, flat irons, hair pomade, etc . that I go through on the regular just to maintain my curls?! It’s a budget all in itself and it’s not cheap! I can’t just go to the salon whenever and drop $60+ every two weeks! Instead, I have to maintain my own hair care most often months at a time. I have to come up with new hairstyles that will fit my curl pattern and transition from work to play effortlessly! And honestly, I’m sick of it all. I miss straight hair. The smooth edges, the long tresses! I used to rock a MEAN wrap! Alas, those days are dead and gone and as it stands now, at the slightest bit of moisture my hair kinks and knots up like non-other. I miss my straight hair days, my wraps at night, and my flowing tresses! I miss the salon gossip, the fresh smell of a relaxer and glosser spray (don’t judge me). It’s sad to say I am ready for a change.

I feel like I am a chick who has it all together, shoes, fit, nails, face… but when it comes to my hair… well, let’s just say I am in the wrong department for it to be so unruly! Yeah, I’m over it, but maybe I’m not. Maybe I still have room to grow. It’s been three years and so much has happened in these three years that I maybe I have another three left in me! Perhaps this is just another stage of transition and the best is yet to come. It took so much work to get here, why conform? I think I’ll keep my curls a little while longer… I got a feeling someone will like them just as much as me :)

Roxxci Heart

Friday, August 12, 2011

An Open Letter To My Sisters

Hello Ladies-

I wanted to stay annomyous for the sake of embarassment, but allow me to be transparent in my testimony to you. No one was ever straight with me about how good it felt to be inside you, or the dangers of having sex too much. All I knew was that it was the best way to release all the anger and frustration going on in my life. But tonight, I want to make an open apology to the women that have shared my bed, their bed, the backseat of my '07 Altima, any random hotel bed/room/floor, my mom's couch, my boy's place, the girl i met in the club a few months earlier, to all of you ladies. I sincerely apologize. I know now that my actions have caused you great pains, and often times the source of your resentment towards men, and establishing a healthy relationship.

Most of you I can recall by face, but I'm so sorry I didn't even bother to remember your name. But most importantly I am sorry for what I caused to grow in you. I'm sorry for manipulating you and tricking you into falling in love with me. No one ever took the time to exaplain to me about the crazy attachments that come about as result of getting involved sexually. All I ever heard was don't do it, and just like a rebel that alone made me want to do it more... No one told me that marriage was sacred. Sex before marriage is a sin. I should have been honest with all of you up front, I wasn't ready for a commitment. But now I am a changed man. I didn't mean to hurt so many of you women and I hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive me for all the pain I have caused. And again, ladies I apologize.

"I APOLOGIZE" (adapted for this piece)

I apologize to you ladies for all the seen and unseen lies, For the heartache and pain that brought tears in your eyes.

I apologize to each of you for not being true from the start, for running away from you, leaving a hole in your heart.

For ignoring your feelings and pushing them aside, because I was too damn arrogant and pumped up with pride.

I apologize for making promises that I couldn't keep, for building a foundation based on treachery and deceit.

Being selfish and inconsiderate, I did what I wanted to do, making costly decisions without thinking of you.

I apologize for not holding you through restless nights and stormy days, for my immature thoughts and my foolish ways.

Instead of carrying your love with me, I just threw it on the shelf, after we made love I turned away, only thinking of myself.

You cried your heart for me, while I was out running wild and loose, I destroyed the essence of your love with physical, mental, and emotional abuse.

I gave you hell woman by giving up when times got rough, I didn't slap you, I pushed you, I neglected you - even that's bad enough!

Now I see why you build a wall around you, because it is me you despise, but that's the price that I have to pay for all the times I wore a disguise.

I pray to GOD that one day you will realize, That I LOVE YOU ALL LADIES, AND I APOLOGIZE.


Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Invisible, Visible Only By Me

There’s some good to being invisible. You can slip your way out of a messy situation; vanish as if you were never there in the first place. Invisibility comes in handy when you want to be illusive, fearless, powerful, and conniving. But invisibility also bears a heavy price. An impenetrable layer of isolation that ONLY if someone is looking for you, will they be able to find you. For you will always see them coming, but only they can decide to detect your presence, or brush you off as a mere imaginative notion.

I am an invisible woman, visible only by me… No amount of make-up, bright colors, plastered smiles, weave, the curve of my waistline, the fullness of my breasts, the best of whatever, no matter what, I still am invisible, visible only by me. I glide in my five inch pumps effortlessly across brick, cobblestone, and tried DC streets, but no one notices. My curled coif bounces in the sunlight changing hues from golden brown to bronze tinged. My bright perfectly manicured orange nails, my nude lips, my smoldering eyes, my jewel tone dress announce my presence, but no one notices. No one notices the smile plastered on my lips, the playfulness dancing in my eyes, tucked safely being black rimmed 50s style sunglasses, no one notices, because no one can see me. My yellow iphone stuck to my hand like glue, glued to my ear laughing and chatting with you know who, about you know what, but since I am not your concern, you do not notice me. No one notices that today I straightened by hair. I am invisible, because you don’t see me. Yet I have run out of things to do to get people to notice me, short of announcing my invisibility. You see I can shove them, scream, and event throw a fit… but most people will just dismiss me as a societal misfit. And then what would I have accomplished? I will still be invisible, visible only by me.

I notice it most when I am out and about by myself. No one even seems to look my way, to offer me a seat, to help me with my bags, or to be a helping hand. But yet I am a friendly shy kind of woman, with a welcoming laugh, I’m silly, I am fun, ain’t I just like everyone? But yet it seems to be, it seems to me, that I am still invisible, visible only by me. Others brush me off like a preconceived notion, a pun, a joke, or a case of mistaken identity. But I am not mistaken, I am me, visible only by me.

It happens to me, all the time you see, when people ask their questions about me, they just want to know the superficial me. No one cares that I once fell out of a tree, what about if I cry or what color I bleed. What inspires me to write, what makes me smile, and what kinds of foods I’d like to try. Instead most of time I get unfortunate claims and made up rhymes, requests of photos of what’s between my thighs, and their favorite pastimes. And with each person I meet, a little more of me, obscures my visibility. A little more of me fades into oblivity. Invisible to them, but visible only by me.

I want a chance, a mere opportunity, for someone to glance and recognize me. To stop mid sentence and stare at me. To understand that perhaps there is more to me. Despite the outward appearance and design, that inside this body is a woman so divine, that only by the Grace of God, could you see my true shine, but in that moment, you carved out space and time, to truly get to see me, for me, and not just from behind. But to give me your trust and in turn you’ll have mine. TO see me for the woman I be, visible behind my guise of invisibility.

See I am chasing this idea, this absurd propriety that dating is easy just wait to be seen. When it seems, the only ones that can see me, are the ones not worthy of me. You see this makes things complicated when you are trying not to be seen, by other invisible people, visible only to me. A wolf in sheep’s clothing, I can spot easily, and they too can look through me, and see my vulnerability. So I stay in the shadows, I stay hidden but not on purpose, I just don’t know how to make you see me, visible to just you and not me.

Perhaps one day, as I pass by you, you will smell the vanilla cupcake fragrance lingering in the air and you will turn to come running into my bakery, wanting to know so desperately my secret recipe. For me to give you cart blanch access to satisfy your sweet tooth, leaving you to crave the sweet things buried deep within my womb, oozing chocolate covered kisses, and bursting my fountain of chocolate liquid desire. Exposing my vulnerability and yet divulging yourself head first into an orgasm of caramel coated ecstasy. Can you see me? Or will I forever be invisible, visible only by me?

So every night at dream time, I close my eyes and dream of all that you can see in me, visible by only to you and not me. You know my flaws, my weaknesses and you will never take advantage of me, kuz it was in my invisibility that you came and found me. It’s because of you, I am invisible, you’re my hidden opportunity, but in reality you don’t exist much like how I feel when I do not exist.

*sigh* But yet none of the passerbyers seems to notice or care, I’ve gone missing. And so I remain invisible. Visible only to me. In hopes that one day, someone will notice the quirky girl that so much of her remains a mystery. In the pouring rain or the beaming sunshine, no matter how bright my light, how bright I shine, no matter the color I wear, I am no match for the curse that I bear. I want to be seen, by someone other than me. And yet here I remain, invisible, visible only to me.