Friday, November 13, 2009

To Love I Bid Thee Adieu

To Love, I Bid Thee Adieu,

I guessed I always assumed I would live life like a fairy tale. I would get swept up by prince charming and we would both fall passionately in love and live happily ever after in a beautiful house with 2.5 kids, a dog, two cars, and an in-house Jacuzzi. But on the cusp of 25, I am starting to realize that love is a journey of two souls and by no means a fairy tale! Matter of fact, if anything love is a tragic satire in which you are the victim and love gets the last laugh. So you may be thinking, sheesh shea, that is a negative way of looking at things, and perhaps in your perfect universe it may be. But from my own personal experiences with love, love don't live here anymore.

I don’t hate love. Or hate others in love. In fact I celebrate those who share something as special as love. It takes a strong soul to find love and keep love. However, I am unwelcoming to love at this time. To Love I Bid Thee Adieu.

I don’t particularly blame others for my lack-luster love life, I have enjoyed my 25 years so far and look forward to spending many more years getting to know myself but I often look back to my first love and wonder what would have happened if I could change it all? Do I regret the path I have chosen? I have some regrets, but for the most it's been great.

Love isn’t a game or something you can win on strategy alone. Love takes sacrifice and compassion. Love takes compromise and the willingness to accept someone just as they are. Perhaps I am not ready to accept others as they are. Perhaps I am not willing to accept myself as I am? But what can I bring to love's table? What am I willing to give up? Am I willing to learn compassion? Can I too give love! I love myself, God, and I love my community. I want to be reminded that I too am beautiful within. To Love I Bid Thee Adieu.

Perhaps I am still waiting for my knight on horseback to come along and sweep me off my feet and together we will share passionate kisses, 2.5 kids, a 2-car garage, a house with a picket fence, and a dog. Perhaps I am waiting for my king to ask for my hand in marriage and he already have a castle waiting for me, complete with a crown of gold awaiting my head. I will get ballroom dancing lessons and lessons in other languages, because to him money is no option. Perhaps I am waiting for my carpenter who will fashion for me a quiet house in the country and together we will live happily ever after just the two of us. Perhaps I am waiting on myself to get myself together so I will know it is him whenever he walks into my life. I dream of us together, of his kisses and of his touch. I dream of all the things that would make me fall in love. I dream of his scent and his smile and hopes that one day he will recognize all that I desire to share with him. I dream for so long that I fantasize about it. Then I tell myself not to dream anymore because dreams aren’t reality but only the desires of the mind. My heart weeps for the love I desire. I dream during the day and late into the night that… but time and time again I wake up to nothing so To Love I Bid Thee Adieu.


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